Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Unpacking My RAT

Dear Friends, Family and Fans!

Now that my daughter is all grown up and has moved out with her beloved into their own apartment, I just wanted to lets you all know that I have moved as well!!! It was high time to down size my space and expenses. I got rid of soooo much stuff. This has been a gigantic purging ordeal for me. Packing up and moving my belongings was only a small fraction of the overall moving picture for me. The biggest part was that I really had to battle with the excess of stuff I had accumulated over the years. (I call this process "unpacking my rat"). After some internal struggles with the practice of non attachment, an exhausting amount of work sorting, selling several items, donating several more, and paying a huge bill to the hard working guys from 1 800 Got Junk for hauling away a little over 2 truck loads of "stuff"... as of the first of October, I have emerged victorious! My new location, for home and work, is in the University Heights / Hillcrest area of San Diego. I am "ALMOST" settled in... Still working on unpacking and trying to find places for all the things I kept, but I plan to have an apartment warming party for all my friends very soon. If you want to visit me, or schedule an appointment with me, please feel free to contact me. I am already seeing clients at my new location. 

With Love and Light, Jeanetta

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

50 Shades of Tantra

Hoping to get your pulse racing, your kundalini rising, and your chakras spinning like tops? Not all Tantra is the same. Let’s start by exploring 5 paths of Tantra to get your aura started.  

I imagine that 50 shades is actually a modest estimation. This is increasingly true in this modern age, especially now that Tantra is becoming so popular here in the West. Tantra has been around for thousands of years and continues to evolve as Eastern philosophy meets Western psychology.  Allow me to guide you toward the shade of Tantra that suits you. I will describe 5 paths of Tantra.  Each path is represented by a color. Within these five tantric paths, there are easily 10 variations or shades of interpretation available, which would give you the proverbial 50 shades of Tantra.   

White Tantra is used to describe a spiritual path of Tantra which incorporates meditation, breath work, sounds and postures.  Although all of the major chakras or energy centers are recognized in this practice, it is the upper two chakras; the third eye and the crown chakra, which seem to get all the conscious attention.  These are the energy centers that connect with our intuition and spirituality.  In this culture we tend to equate Tantra with great sex. However, the white path doesn’t really focus on the physical act of sex at all! White Tantra is primarily a solo practice between you and spirit.  Although this is a solo practice, White Tantra does acknowledge relationships as having merit. The various people who come into our lives are said to provide us with a mirror to help us learn and grow.   

Personally, I define Tantra as more of a philosophy than a religion. However, I recognize that there are some people who practice Tantra religiously. Some forms of Tantra have become so intertwined with the beliefs of a specific religion such as; Hinduism, Taoism, or Buddhism that it is difficult to sort out where the religion ends and the Tantra begins.  Within the practice of White Tantra, sexual energy is often re-directed or channeled towards spiritual transformation, creative endeavors, healing, expanded awareness, and what some might refer to as enlightenment.  Sexual activity is not strictly “forbidden” by most of the White Tantra practices; however, quite often followers of White Tantra are influenced by religious teaching that value chastity, sexual abstinence or celibacy.

If you are an individual who is seeking a journey of spiritual enlightenment or a deeper connection with God or spirit, then perhaps white Tantra is for you. Kundalini yoga is a popular practice in this culture that is often categorized as White Tantra.  However, if your reason for exploring tantra is primarily in hopes of learning new ways to improve your sex life, you may be disappointed.   

Red Tantra is a path of Tantra best known for bringing us Tantric Sex. Red Tantra is primarily a practice that you do with your partner. The union between you and your beloved is seen as a form of god and goddess worship that creates not only a bond with your partner but a bridge or connection to the divine god and goddess. You and your partner embody the god and goddess, and when you come together to make love using Tantric Rituals, you join body, heart, mind and spirit. All of the chakras or energy centers of the body are involved in the connection. The intention is to create a piece of heaven on Earth that transcends the physical act of sex. By incorporating Tantric practice into your love life, you can reach not only higher levels of pleasure and connection, but a higher spiritual vibration as well.  

My understanding is that in India, Red Tantra was originally a highly advanced spiritual practice that was only taught to those who had achieved a level of mastery of the White Path of Tantra. Today there are secular forms of Red Tantra in the West that do not require followers to achieve any mastery. The focus of this more secular form of Tantra is primarily on exploring bliss, ecstasy, and all the pleasurable sensations you can achieve during love making. Tantric Sex is now something that couples may explore, with or without the original spiritual intent.  

Red Tantra is known for luxurious love making sessions that last for hours, ideally leading to multiple, full-body orgasms… with or without an ejaculation.  The more secular forms of Red Tantra focus on erotic and romantic love, activating mostly the lower chakras; the primal, sexual and sensual energies of the root and sacral chakras. However, without the spiritual component to the practice, the upper chakras do not receive as much attention. The sacred forms of Red Tantra lead to a sense of euphoric oneness not only with your partner, but with the universe and God. The more secular forms of Red Tantra encourage couples to spend lots of time making love and exploring heightened levels of pleasure. However, this secular practice lacks the experience of spiritual love, and the universal connection that is the point of the sacred practice of Red Tantra.  

Pink Tantra refers to a heart centered path of tantra that blends many of the elements of White Tantra (generally without the tendency to embrace a life of celibacy) with some aspects of Red Tantra (without the need for a full time Tantric Partner to practice with.) Within the path of Pink Tantra, all of the chakras are acknowledged. However, there seems to be an emphasis on the importance of the heart; opening the heart chakra and healing the heart. Compassion, acceptance and forgiveness for others and for our self are central themes to this practice. Pink Tantra teaches us to cultivate love without attachment, ownership or expectation. With Pink Tantra love is seen as the impetus for healing and transformation.  

Pink Tantra is a great path to follow if you are currently single, struggling with your current relationship, or for those who adopt a more open love style such as polyamory.  Pink Tantra provides techniques and practices to help you heal from past heartaches, to improve your overall feeling of an emotionally balanced life and to connect with your true self.  Pink Tantra recognizes the importance of polarity between masculine and feminine energy. Practicing Pink Tantra will often result in you attracting a good potential mate who complements and resonates with your energy.  If you are already in a love relationship, this practice will ideally deepen and strengthen your partnership.  If your relationship was struggling, you may experience a rekindling of an emotional and passionate connection with your partner. However, this practice encourages personal wholeness. Sometimes this practice will enable someone to leave a partner who is abusive, or otherwise keeping them from being an authentic expression of their true self.    

Black Tantra is a path of tantra that incorporates magic and is clouded in mystery. Sometimes Black Tantra is referred to as Dark Tantra. Some have compared this path of Tantra to the black magic of voodoo. Black Tantrikas are often feared in India. I suspect that there is a lot of misconception of this path because it is not practiced openly. The teachings are intentionally well guarded to protect it from being misused by those with less than pure intentions.  Black Tantra has not been widely or openly practiced in the US. One aspect of Black Tantra that has made an impression on our Western consciousness is Sex Magic, which is a little like practicing “The Secret” with the powerful addition of using sexual energy to manifest your intentions.  Integrity and discretion are extremely important to the successful practice of Black Tantra. Generally speaking, it is extremely difficult to find anyone willing to teach you the most powerful techniques of Black Tantra without undergoing a vigorous screening and initiation process.  Here in the US, as well as many parts of Europe, we tend to be very skeptical of anything magical, mystical or anything that cannot be explained by our current understanding of science. If this magical Tantra is what you are seeking, it is possible to find it if you persevere, and are willing to follow the protocols of your teacher, but it tends to be a lot harder to find than the other types of Tantra, and unfortunately easily confused with an entirely different form of Tantra with a similar name that I will describe next.

Dark Tantra is sometimes mistakenly called Black Tantra by those who are not aware that the term Black Tantra has already been taken. This alternative meaning refers to a fusion of a Tantric Sex and BDSM.  I believe this path has emerged in very recent times. My understanding is that "Dark Tantra" was "invented" here in Western culture, I believe by people who really had a very limited or perhaps no understanding of the original meaning of Dark or Black Tantra. Basically Dark Tantra seems to be a secular sexual practice that doesn't have much to do with the spiritual practices of Tantra. I have heard some argue that there is a spiritual aspect to this Dark Tantra. I can imagine that this could be true for some individuals who are on a path of exploring their "shadow" or seeking to sink deeper into trust and surrender, but based on conversations I have had with people who claim to be exploring Dark Tantra, I believe that it is more often practiced as a form of self expression and sexual exploration than for the purpose of spiritual enlightenment.  

My Tantric Path is an eclectic one.  However, when it comes to what I teach it appears to fit most closely into the category of Pink Tantra. I do use some aspects of White Tantra, such as meditation and breath-work. I also introduce the teachings of Red Tantra, particularly to the couples who come to see me. However, most of my clients are either single or married to partners who do not support or participate in their practice of Tantra. This limits my ability to teach Red Tantra as it was intended. I am familiar with the concepts of sex magic, and have taught some workshops about how to use sex magic to manifest our desires; however, I do not consider myself to be an authority on the subject of Black Tantra.

I incorporate some aspects of "sensation play" into my sessions; however, I would not characterize what I do as Dark Tantra either. I am in charge of the session as the goddess (healer and teacher) and expect to be treated with reverence; however, I am not a Dominatrix by any stretch of the imagination. I fully support people's right to choose a life style such as BDSM if that is what they are into, or to experiment with whatever aspects of BDSM appeals to them as a form of self expression or to spice up their love life. However, it is not really my personal hot button or mission to teach this Dark Path of Tantra.  

My modalities of choice are love and light which resonates well with the heart centered practice of Pink Tantra. If you would like to speak with me about incorporating Tantra into your life, either via a verbal life coaching session or a hands on healing Tantra session, please take a look at my website and contact me ASAP.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

3 Ways to Improve Your Sex Life

A sexually savvy lover is always curious and open to learn new ways to make sex even better. For 3 fundamental ways to improve your sex life, read on...  

1. Make sex a priority. Let’s face it. Most of us have very busy lives. In order to get the important things done, like it or not, we really need to form a plan and follow a schedule. If we wait for the perfect moment before we do something, many times things just don’t happen… especially if it involves coordinating with another person. Sex is an extremely valuable part of our lives; for our overall health, happiness and emotional well being. It is also an import part of a healthy romantic partnership. Neglecting our sex life can have a devastating effect on our relationship with our partner and our entire life. So why don’t we spend a little more time thinking about what a vibrant healthy sex life would look like for us? Sharing fantasies and secret desires with your partner can be very intimate. Need some fresh new inspiration? Try reading a sexy book or watching a sexy movie together. Once you have a picture in mind of what really turns you on and what you would like to do, why not communicate and strategizing ways to make it happen? For information about a Love Life Coaching session with Goddess Jeanetta, over the phone or in person, click here.

2. Become sexually savvy. Sometime people are discouraged and resentful because they want to have sex, but their partner no longer does. There are many reasons why someone might lose interest is sex; some of them situational, emotional, or medical, in nature. If your partner has lost interest in having sex it is important to investigate why. For example, if vaginal dryness is making sex painful, perhaps using a generous amount of lubricant could make a world of difference. Sometimes people confide in me that the sex is just not satisfying or that their partner doesn’t show any interest in them or touch them unless they want sex. Your partner may really long for a deeper connection with you; creating an emotional as well as a sexual intimacy. However, it is hard to enjoy making love to someone who is insensitive to our emotional or physical needs, or only seems interested in their own pleasure. A sexually savvy lover is an attentive lover who takes the time to learn what turns their partner on and delights in their partner’s pleasure. If you desire to be a competent and attentive lover, you will make it a point to tune into the emotional and sexual needs of your partner. You will show interest in them, what they think and how they feel, and not just when you want to have sex with them. You will ask your partner how and where he or she would like to be touched and experiment with different techniques and sex positions. You will look into your partner’s eyes, kiss them passionately, notice the expressions on their face, listen to the words and sounds that come out of your partner’s mouth, as well as what their body language is saying. Most importantly, you will remember that sex is supposed to be fun. You will be playful, experimental and creative, treat sex as an adventure, and your partner as your dearest playmate and lover. A sexually savvy lover genuinely enjoys sex and is always curious and open to learn new ways to make sex even better.

3. Make a date. Some people resist the idea of carving out time specifically for sex, claiming that sex should just happen spontaneous. However, spontaneity is seriously over rated. People may assume they don’t need to make plans to be together because they live in the same house and sleep in the same bed, but all too often their sex life begins to suffer the moment they stop dating and start taking each other for granted. Making a date does many things to improve your odds of having quality sex on a regular basis. Making specific plans to be with our partner at a specific time helps us to mentally set everything else aside, and really focus on each other. Knowing that we have plans to be with our partner also allows us to prepare, build sexual excitement and anticipation as we look forward to our special “date”. Some of your dates may be romantic or fun dates where the point is to spend time together doing something that gets you and your partner out of the house, sharing an experience, and hopefully putting you both in a more playful mood. However, you should also make specific plans to stay in for some sexy time. Why not make a “sex date”? Put on some sexy lingerie, turn off the TV and your cell phones, light a candle, put on a little romantic music and spend some quality time making love. You may even spice it up now and then by going somewhere special for a sexual encounter with each other. A little weekend getaway or a rendezvous can go a long way to make you feel more romantic and passionate. Personally I think we can (and should) have a love affair with our partner.


How I became Goddess Jeanetta

Every now and then people ask me questions about my name. Those who know me personally or have heard me called by other names are especially prone to ask questions. I am aware that the evolution of my persona may be a bit confusing for some people. Today I am here to offer some clarification about some of the various over-lapping professional and personal hats I have worn, and to reveal how I became known as Goddess Jeanetta.
In certain lines of work it is a common occurrence to have a work name that is different from the name that was given at birth. Actors, musicians, and writers are among those who often have a stage name, a persona or a pen name that they go by. Tantrikas are also among the professions that tend to take on a persona for their work. Sometimes, people maintain more than one persona simultaneously, especially if they wear more than one professional hat. The process of finding the right name often evolves and changes as the individual artist develops and fine tunes their craft. Once an artist becomes well known, it becomes much more difficult to change their name. At some point a name emerges and takes hold to represent this entity in the hearts and minds of their fans or devotees.
In the past I was known as Reiki Angel, initially strictly for business purposes. I believe it was in 2003 that I first began using Reiki Angel as an advisor on Ingenio. At that time I was also working full time as a psychiatric case manager.  I noticed that many of the other advisers on this site created an advisor name that was obviously not their given name. Especially in light of the type of professional work I did, I did not want to use my real name or anything too close to my real name for this alternative healing. At first I offered remote Reiki healing and advice exclusively over the phone.  Next I started offering hands on reiki healing services, on a very limited basis during evenings and weekends. I was still working full time in the mental health field, so when I was in my role as a Reiki healer, I used the name Reiki Angel as my part-time energetic healing persona.
Over the next few years I went to Body Mind College to study massage and holistic health. Eventually I left my mental health job and expanded my energetic healing practice into a full time career that included not only reiki but massage as well. After a couple more years of further training and exploration, numerous tantric workshops and courses, I became a certified Tantric Healer and added Tantra as another healing modality into my practice.  Since my practice was no longer limited exclusively to Reiki, sometime in 2006 I began referring to my healing massage practice as Angels Touch. Although I no longer use the name Reiki Angel for my business, it remained as a nickname that still appears in some of the social networking places I use. I still offer remote reiki healing and advice over the phone through Ingenio. However, my advice is no longer limited to reiki. Today people most often call me for advice to improve their love life.  A couple years ago I changed my advisor name from Reiki Angel to Reiki Goddess. I made this subtle change to incorporate the divine tantric aspect of my practice, yet intentionally kept it similar to my original name in the hopes that my previous clients would be able to find and recognize me as the same advisor.
Goddess Jeanetta is an honorary tantric title that I have used within the tantra community in San Diego for several years, as well as for my online Tantric persona. I started using it shortly after I began offering Tantra as a healing modality in 2007.  I first began using this name when I was invited to post a profile as a goddess on a website that features Tantra teachers and providers. All of the women listed on this site were called goddesses and all the men were called gods. To start my listing on this particular site, I had a phone conversation with the site manager. She asked me what name I wanted to use for the listing. Although my initial intention was to simply use Jeanette, she miss heard me, and thought I said Jeanetta. She converted my name to Goddess Jeanetta for the listing. By simply adding the divine title of respect in front of my name, as was the practice for all of the sacred professionals on this site, Goddess Jeanetta was born. Although it started out as a mistake, I decide I liked the way Goddess Jeanetta rolled off the tongue, so I kept it.  Next I broadened the use of Goddess Jeanetta to my own website and other listings that I created specifically for Tantra. Next I started using this name for the Meet-up groups and workshops that I facilitated.  
As time went on, I recognized that I loved to write. I felt that using the written word was yet another way I could spread the message of love and transformational awareness. I started writing short stories and messages that I shared with my friends through an occasional post, blog or tweet. Encouraged by the response of my freinds, I decide to try my hand at being an author. I began writing a book, "Seven Secret of Sexual Savvy". My pen name that I adopted was Jeanetta Goddette; a play on the title Goddess Jeanetta, with the more conventional appearance and order of a first and last name.  I came up with this pen name in 2011 for the purpose of publishing books and professional blog writing. When I was contemplating what to pick as my pen name, I wanted there to be some continuity with my already emerging Goddess Jeanetta persona. I decided to keep Jeanetta as my first name, and set out to find a last name with God in it.  I contemplated Godfrey, Godchild, Godwin, Goddard, Godet and Goddette, and perhaps a few other God names. However, visually and vocally Goddette (spelled with two Ds and Ts) most resembled Goddess. I also did some on-line research to learn the meaning of Goddette, and I liked what I read. I got several different yet somewhat related interpretations. One reliable source indicated that this name is a respelling of the southern French surname Gaudet, from the root gaud, meaning "happy" or "lively", similar to the Latin gaudere which means "to rejoice".  Another source stated that this name dates back to the time when France was immersed in the Dark Ages. This name, from the Normandy region of France, was derived from the given name Gaudi which means "ruler".  Other sources indicated that this name means "favored of God" or "having god (or goddess) like qualities".
I selected this particular pen name because of its similarity to my already emerging tantric persona and because I like the way it sounds. I would love to be seen as a happy, lively goddess. All of the various mentioned possible meanings associated with the name Goddette sounded appealing to me. I do wish to inspire my readers to get in touch with their inner strength, and the divine god or goddess power that is within each of us. However, I think of myself as more of a healer and an inspirational muse, and less of a ruler. I am all about the love... honestly being some kind of condescending ruler; overly controlling, stern, punitive or iron fisted, just does not really resonate with me.  From time to time, I get contacted by someone who mistakenly thinks (or perhaps hopes) that I will offer some kind of discipline, or dominatrix service.  However, this is not the case. I do expect my clients to treat me with reverence. I do make a point to clarify the boundaries and what I expect from clients.  I do maintain control during my sessions as a Tantric teacher and guide.  However, this is where the similarities begin and end.  My sessions are never about ridicule or humiliation, and it is never my intention to test your limits to endure punishment or pain. My gift is in my ability to help people to relax, release old patterns, and open up to feel better about themselves. I prefer to teach how to tolerate more bliss and pleasure in our lives.
One thing is certain. I do have a lot to rejoice about in my life.  I am honored and humbled by the name Goddess Jeanetta, and hope to use my role to remind all women that they are goddesses, and all men that they are gods. Yes, we are flesh and blood human beings who make mistakes. We are mortal beings who are born, live an Earthy life, and eventually die. Yet on another level, I believe we are also divine beings of indestructible spirit and energy that in one form or another continues to exist.  We can literally participate in the miraculous creation of new life via procreation. We are created with the ability to shape and manifest our world every day in remarkably meaningful ways.  There is awe and wonder all around us. I recognize and I embrace this life with love and passion.
In the bible it says that we are created in the image of God. Whether or not we believe in the bible as the literal word of God, and regardless of whether we believe in creation or evolution, this statement still contains a profound truth. We possess a miraculous spark of life that gives us the potential to grow; physically, emotionally and spiritually. We have a capacity for living a life filled with a godlike love and compassion for our fellow human beings. It is humbling to remember that even the most annoying jerks among us were also created in the image of god. Some people have gotten so out of touch with their higher self that it is nearly unrecognizable.  Even if it is difficult to recognize, I believe god is present as a mirror or life lesson in every person we encounter.  We can reflect and radiate love and godliness once we embrace our inner divine self.  If we are in a relationship, especially when a challenge arises, we can also stop and remember that our partner is a god or goddess that we have the unique privilege to be in a relationship with.  When we remember that we are a divine creation we begin to treat ourselves and each other with love and reverence.
This is my mission as a Tantric teacher and healer to spread the word that we do not need to live a life of fear, deceit and shame. We can actually release fear and all the trauma, stress and disease it creates in our lives. We no longer need to be controlled by self doubt and disappointments from our past. We can live in the moment, in a state of love, gratitude and integrity. We can speak our truth with confidence. We can stop hiding who we really are. We can begin living our lives out loud. We can continue to make healthy choices from a place of love.  When we do this, our lives get better. The world actually becomes a better place.  I am here to remind you that there's nothing more attractive than a man or woman with a mission.  Share your passion!  Your enthusiasm may inspire those around you, and will likely double your magnetic appeal. Although Goddess Jeanetta is a title I humbly use to describe my Tantric healer persona, I also recognize that God created me as a goddess. He gave me a light to shine, and gifts to share. This is my reality. When I share this Tantric philosophy of love and life with those around me, I am Goddess Jeanetta.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

How to Communicat​e True Love

Perhaps there is someone new in your life. You want to let them know you are falling in love with them but not sure how. Maybe you have been seeing someone for a little while now. You realize that you are ready to deepen the bond or take things to a new level but you don’t want to screw it up. Perhaps there is someone special who has been in your life for a very long time. You are seeking fresh new ways to demonstrate your love and affection, but are drawing a blank. When it comes to communicating love, a generic one size fits all approach simply will not do. People respond best to a personal touch. If you want someone’s heart to melt, you need to show them that you listen to what they say, see who they are, notice what they like and pay attention to what matters most to them. Demonstrations of love are most affective when they are custom tailored to the individual.
The same core principle that applies to a new love, also hold true for a connection that has endured the test of time. I read something the other day that reminded me of an important point. We should never assume that our partner knows how we feel about them. Sometimes people appear to forget that we need to keep love fresh and alive. Perhaps they think that because they proclaimed their love once many years ago, and made a lifelong commitment to their partner, that until they say otherwise, that the on-going love is just implied. Some may believe they already are showing their love every day because they work hard to earn a living to support the family, provide a nice home, cook meals, keep the home running smoothly, and come home at night. These wonderful behaviors do go a long way to foster a sense of security and stability, but they may not be all we need to feel loved on a more personal level. It is part of our human nature to crave love and intimacy with our beloved.  We need to experience not only a physical connection but an emotional connection that is alive and ongoing.  Even the toughest, most independent, and self sufficient among us needs to feel loved every day. 
Sometimes we may think that it is all about the big grand gestures, and hold back from demonstrating our love until we can offer something spectacular.  Perhaps we are saving up our money for an expensive gift, waiting for the perfect moment or a special occasion to show our love. But I feel that this approach is an all too common mistake that overlooks the importance of the little day to day things. The point is to communicate love, not to showing off how grand we are.
There are simple little ways that we can show that we love our partners every single day. The good news is that most of them cost nothing and are not difficult. We can show our love with a passionate kiss on the way out the door, with a thoughtful gesture that brightens our partner’s day, with a kind word, a love note hidden in the lunch box, brief case or a short little romantic text during the day. We can make plans to do something together (preferably something that we know our partner would enjoy). Our partner will feel loved; especially when we do little things that show we are paying attention to our partner, and doing the things that what makes them light up.
The most important secret here is to figure out what our partner needs to feel loved.  A common mistake we make is simply to assume that our partner is just like us.  We are unique individuals.  We are not all wired in the exact same way.  There are many wonderful ways to express love and experience love.  How we naturally express love, and what makes us feel loved varies from person to person depending upon our personality.   
Relationships are living breathing things, a little like plants in a way. In order for a love relationship to germinate, grow, bloom and continue to flourish, we need to continue to care for it. Generally there is a magic combination of the right amount of sun, water and nutrients as well as the right type of soil to consider. In order to do a good job tending our love relationship, it is crucial to get to know more than a thing or two about this unique individual that is the object of our affection.  Even if you have never been much of a gardener, you probably are aware that different plants have different specific ways they need to be cared for to thrive. You can’t care for an African violet the same way you would treat a sun flower, and get the best possible results. So why should we assume that expressing love for a unique human being would be any simpler than taking care of a plant?   
Perhaps you really want to show your love, but don't know where to begin. You may have genuinely tried to show your love in the past, but have gotten shot down. It is discouraging when our efforts to show love get rejected, go unnoticed or under appreciated. It can be hard, even for the most romantic at heart, to continue the pursuit when their arrows of love seem to be missing the target. Sometimes we give up too quickly because we assume it is too hard to figure out how to give our partners what they need from us.  Don't lose heart. There may be a better way.
Perhaps it is time for an upgrade from gold to platinum. No, I am not talking about buying your partner expensive jewelry. I am talking about expanding our awareness of showing true love, not only following the principles of the “Golden rule” but adding the wisdom of the “Platinum rule” as well.  Most people have heard of the golden rule which advises us to treat others the way we would like others to treat us. I believe this is a good rule because it reminds us to step out of our potentially self-centered perspective.  To follow the Golden Rule, we must first notice that other people want to be treated well, just as we want to be treated well, and then take action by doing something loving.  The Platinum Rule takes this concept one stop further and advices us to treat others the way they like to be treated. This "rule" was initiated by Dr. Tony Alessandra, and is associated with the Jung Personality Traits. The basic theory is that there are four different personalities. If you can find out which one your partner is, then you can have a long lasting relationship with them.
Another concept that I think goes hand and hand with the Platinum Rule is to recognize our partner’s primary love language. According to Gary Chapman who wrote the book about this concept, there are 5 Love Languages; words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch. All five are valid ways of expressing and experiencing love, and we may enjoy all of them at times, but we all seem to have a favorite or primary way that makes us feel especially loved.  I think it is important to understanding both our own love language as well as our partner’s love language to effectively communicate and express love.
The bottom line, pay attention! Get to know your partner, how they experience love, and what makes them light up. The most effective expressions of love are ones that show you listen to what they say, see who they are, notice what they like and pay attention to what matters most to them. Once you are aware of how your partner likes to be treated, then you can communicate true love.


Friday, January 25, 2013

Simple Sensual Massage Secrets for Sweethearts

If you have a sweetheart, you are most likely acutely aware that the most romantic of holidays is just around the corner. Valentine's Day is THE holiday for couples to celebrate and express romantic love to one another. Perhaps you are already thinking about what you would like to try this year to make this an especially romantic day. If you are seeking to offer something more personal and intimate than a store bought Valentine's Day card, a banquette of flowers or chocolate candies in a heart shaped box, perhaps offering a delightfully pampering sensual massage experience would ignite your lover's heart and passion. You may wish to simply treat your sweetheart this time around, or perhaps suggest that you both take a turns pampering each other.  

For many lovers touch is a significant way to demonstrate and communicate love. Every one of us actually needs touch for our health and emotional well being. It's good for our circulation, our nervous system, helps us to relax and unwind. Most of all, it can make us feel loved. It potentially enhances the intimate connection we share with our partner. If you really want to offer your partner something out of the ordinary, a truly pampering sensual massage, this should involve a bit more than simply slathering your partner with some oil or lotion for a few minutes. Very slow, conscious touch is the best.
A sensual massage is an art. Like most art forms, you want to communicate something with your art. It is most meaningful when the art comes from the heart, but without the right materials to work with and some basic awareness of what techniques to use to get the effect you want, your art will fall short of your vision. You may be wondering, “Where should I begin?” I am ready to offer you some simple secret DOs and DON’Ts that if implemented, could take your Valentine’s Day sensual massage from ordinary to extraordinary!
Setting the Stage
DO put some thought into the details before the massage begins.  When preparing to give a sensual massage, it is important to keep in mind that the intention is to pamper your partner by delighting all the senses, and giving them an exquisite experience of pleasure. Naturally the sense of touch has center stage in a sensual massage, but we should not forget about the rest of the senses. You are certainly not here to offer your partner a detached, mechanical or clinical treatment. This is very personal. When orchestrating this experience, take what you know about your partner’s likes and dislikes into consideration. You should also consider the timing. Ideally, going into the massage, you should not be either too full or too hungry.  Although I do not recommend timing the massage to immediately follow a heavy meal, a light tasty snack before your massage might be a splendid idea. This will offer some pleasure to the taste buds and provide energy to sustain you through the massage.  Perhaps you could select some sensual finger type foods, preferably something that you know your partner likes, that you could feed to each other.  
DO keep the temperature comfortable. I recommend keeping the room a bit on the warm side; perhaps around 75 or 76 degrees or so. You want it to be warm enough for the recipient to be totally comfortable when uncovered (nude). The best way to know for sure is to ask the recipient if it is warm enough, and if not, turn up the heat until it is. If the room you are using tends to get cold or drafty, you may want to have a space heater in the room with you. You simply want to plan ahead so that you can easily adjust the temperature as necessary to make it pleasantly warm and toasty, yet not too hot. Keep in mind that when it is warm enough for the recipient, it may possibly feel a bit too warm to the one giving the massage, because whoever is giving the massage will be exerting more energy, so be careful not to drip sweat onto your partner.  Keep an extra hand towel handy in case you need to wipe your brow.
DO pay attention to the ambiance. I love doing a sensual massage in a room with a fireplace. A fire adds to the ambiance, as well as the overall feeling of warmth. Remember, we want to delight the senses. If a fireplace is not available, then perhaps light a candle or two. Candles are a very nice touch to provide a subtle indirect form of lighting. Harsh bright overhead lights are not desirable in the massage setting, because they detract from relaxation and are not very flattering either, but fire light actually adds to the feeling of warmth and romance.  Plus you can use scented candles to add a delightful aroma.
Personally I think a little background music is a very nice idea. The right selection of music can help you both you and your partner to feel more relaxed, it can add a lot to the mood and ambiance. It may also help you to slow down and pace yourself well to glide through the massage. So, indulge your sense of hearing in a subtle way with some well chosen music. Select something that is relaxing, and enhances the romantic mood. Ideally you want the music to be something that is a nice soothing back ground for the massage, so nothing too loud, too fast or over-bearing.
DO provide a comfortable place for your partner to receive the massage.  Will you be using a massage table, spreading a soft blanket on the floor, or perhaps using a bed? If you have a massage table available, I would recommend using it. For one thing, using a real massage table communicates that you intend to treat your partner to a real luxurious massage, not simply 5 minutes of a half hearted rub down. Also, most massage tables are adjustable, so you can set it at a height that feels good for you, as well as making your partner comfortable. However, if a massage table is not an option, then go the extra mile to make the best use of the space available to communicate that something out of the ordinary is about to happen. Perhaps you could even sprinkle some flower petals around the area, or form them in the shape of a heart. If you are using the floor, make sure there is enough padding underneath you and your partner; perhaps a couple of thick blankets, quilts and a pillow or two. Cover the area you will be using with sheets, and have a towel handy. If you are using the bed, I also recommend that you spread an extra sheet right over the top of the covers. The idea is to make it comfortable, clean and inviting. You also want to be sure you are giving this massage on something that is washable. You do not want to taint this experience with the worry of possibly ruining an expensive rug or messing up the bed you intend to sleep in by spilled oil all over it.
DON'T allow distractions into the environment. You don't want to be interrupted or distracted.  I recommend turning off the ringer to your phones; cell phones and landlines. Allow voice mail to provide a real service. If you have young children, plan ahead and get a sitter. Make sure the room is visually pleasing, devoid of any clutter or unfinished projects. You don't want to be distracted by thoughts of stuff that needs to be finished or things you could potentially trip over. Turn off the TV and, as much as possible, eliminate potential distraction; unpleasant sights, sounds and smells… anything that might take your minds away from the pleasure of the moment. You want the massage and the special time you are sharing with your partner to be where all the focus goes.
Making a Connection
DO keep in mind the goal of creating an experience of bliss and sensual delight. You are going to use touch to communicate tender, romantic feelings and create an intimate connection with your partner. The little details can make a really big difference. Where will this massage be taking place and how you will prepare the area? Think about what room will you be using; what you want to have in the room with you, as well as what you want to make sure is not in the room with you. Whether or not you have had any massage or bodywork training is not as important as your ability to tune in to pleasure; your partner’s pleasure as well as your own pleasure. Remain present, and notice what your beloved responds too. Today you are setting out to be a touch artist, to communicate in the language of love. Beginning with the very first touch, you want to make a connection. Set out to not only massage your partner's body, but to touch their soul.
DO use oil, or other massage product of your choice.  Personally I think that using oil, as opposed to giving a dry massage, adds a great deal to the sensory pleasure of the massage.  How you apply the oil makes a world of difference. How much should be used?  To some extent, the amount of oil used may be a matter of personal preference. Personally I prefer not to over use the oil when giving a sensual massage. I want my partner to feel my touch and the sensation of my skin and warmth against their skin, not just the sensation of oil dripping down their sides. If you are not sure how much to use, I recommend using just enough oil to create a nice glide, but no more. However, I am aware that some people may really like the "slippery seal" sensation of lots of oil. If this is the case, then I recommend using sheets you don't mind getting completely oily, and perhaps a plastic drop cloth underneath. Also, have plenty of towels handy to wipe off with when you are done.
What type of oil should be used? I recommend using an oil or some another product such as lotion or gel that was designed specifically for massage. However, there are also some all natural types of oil that you might use that you could also cook or bake with, such as coconut, grape seed or sweet almond oil. If you would like to indulge your sense of smell, then consider using oil that is infused with a little bit of naturally aromatic essential oil like lavender. I like to use oil that can be safely ingested and has a pleasant taste, especially because "kissing" may be involved, but also because our skin absorbs what we put on it and it gets into our system even if we do not eat it.
DON'T use baby oil. It tends to be too slick, overly shiny and sits on the surface of your skin. However, there is an even bigger reason to avoid it. Baby oil smells like… well… babies.  Our sense of smell is particularly linked to memory. This scent may be unconsciously linked with memories of taking care for young children, especially if you are a parent, ever baby sat, or helped to care for your younger siblings. The intention here is to create a relaxing, intimate, adult type of sensory experience, not to trigger anxious memories of sleepless nights changing diapers. Also void using heavily perfumed oil that could potentially irritate sensitive areas. You want to be able to safely explore your lover’s entire body seamlessly, without concerned over getting any of the wrong type of product in the wrong places. So use something that can be safely used anywhere on the body, even the most delicate parts, without irritation. Having to stop, wash your hands and change products is just not sexy or spontaneous. Be especially careful not to use anything that includes an ingredient your partner is allergic too. Please, never pour cold oil directly onto your partner's body!
DO apply the oil to your own hands first, and warm up the oil. You can use a special oil warming device if you happen to have one, however, if you are warming the oil this way be careful that you do not make it too hot. Burns are not what we are going for here. Another way to go is to simply rub your hands together vigorously to create some friction. This will increase the circulation to your hands, simultaneously warming up your hands and the oil, before you glide your hands over your partner's body. Thoughtfully apply your hands and the pre-warmed oil to your partner’s skin through your touch. Generally a little oil goes a long way. However, you may need to reapply the oil to your hands if you notice that your hands are no longer gliding smoothly, or when you get to a new area of the body. The idea is to keep a nice smooth sensual glide going with a minimal amount of oil.
DO pay attention to your posture and body alignment.  Remember that you are not only allowed to enjoy giving this massage, it is a much better experience for both you and your partner if you do. However, you can’t really enjoy it if you are in pain. Take a deep breath, make sure your body is relaxed and that you have a secure stance with your feet. I like to stand with one foot in front on me and one foot behind me, so I can rock or glide back and forth smoothly as if doing a dance during the massage.  Bend your knees, and use your legs to power the movement. If you notice that your back is starting to hurt, or your neck is getting tired, stop and reposition yourself. If you are not comfortable while giving the massage, the quality of the massage will suffer. Be sure to have at least a general plan of how long you want to make this massage last at the beginning of the massage, so that you can pace yourself accordingly, but be flexible enough to modify that plan if need be. You want to send some loving touch into every part of your partner’s body, and you want your energy to be able to last until the end.  
Do the massage very slowly. The first touch is very important for setting the tone, so make sure your partner is ready. Then slowly, lovingly lower your hands to make contact. I recommend holding that initial contact for a moment before you proceed with a very slow and conscious stroke. Most people have a tendency to move way to fast, especially when they are first learning how to give a sensual massage. Remember this is not a race or a sports massage. You are making love to your partner through touch. Glide over your partner’s body slowly, enjoying every curve and detail. Allowing your partner to respond to the sensation of your touch, and pay attention to your partner’s subtle responses. Notice how your partner is breathing, and if you can feel the tension melt away.  Pay attention to your partner’s body language, facial expressions and sounds. Notice if you can feel your beloved relaxing into your touch and letting go. It may help for you to think of the massage as being a little bit like a slow romantic dance.    
DO add some variety to your touch. A little repetition is alright. You do want to create a relaxing continuous feeling of touch that feels fluid and connected. However, you certainly don't want it to get boring. Personally I prefer to mix it up a bit. When I am giving a sensual massage I like to vary the type and quality of strokes to keep it interesting. I might use some deep and connected strokes using my whole hand, particularly on areas of the body that respond well to pressure, like the back and shoulders, even leaning in at times to add some weight and pressure with my body, and then follow it up with some feather light touch, just using my finger tips or very lightly scratching my nails to send delightful chills up my lover’s spine. Experiment with the quality and type of touch and really notice what your partner responds to favorably. Of course when you find a stroke that gets a particularly good response from your partner, you may want to repeat that one, or come back to it often.
DO have a plan for the sequence of your massage. You want to massage as much of your partner’s body as possible, and leave them with a feeling of being balanced and thoroughly pampered.  I suggest that you begin by asking your partner lie face down, so that you can massage the back side of their body first. Perhaps start with the area between the shoulders. Imagine that you are not only relaxing the tension out of your partner’s body, but that you are opening up your partner’s heart, from the back. Then slowly work your way down the back. Give some loving attention to your partner’s lower back and buttocks. At this point you may wish to reposition yourself at your partner’s feet. Don’t underestimate the potential sensuality of a good massage to the feet and toes. Start with one foot, and then slowly work your way up the leg, massaging up to and including the buttock. Then go to the other foot and do in all again on the other side. I realize that this sequence will have you massaging the buttocks twice, once from above and once from below, but I believe that the derriere is worthy of this double attention.  Keep in mind that you are slowly working your way to the middle of the body.
DON’T be in a rush to get overly sexual to soon. The whole massage should be sensual, and playful, but not overly aggressive, and never rushed. You don’t want to skip over parts or get ahead of yourself. Remember your plan. You want the pleasure and anticipation to build slowly and steadily. Also, keep in mind that it just doesn’t feel right if you massage one side of the body a lot more than the other, or forget to massage one foot or leg all together. Do the best you can to distribute your attention well. I suggest thinking of a sensual massage as a slow tease… not as a swift attack.
DO ask your partner to turn over, once you are done with the back side. Now that your partner is face up, make eye contact. Remember that the intention of a sensual massage is pleasure. Slow, conscious touch is the best approach. Take your time and tune into your partner's rhythm. Massage your partner’s hands, arms, shoulders and chest. Gently massage your partner’s belly. Breathe with them and look into their eyes. Before you are tempted to skip ahead, remember to massage the front of the legs, and pay some luxurious attention to the inner thighs. Stay on course with your plan to get to everything. However, you can pick up the pace and move things along faster, if you get a clear signal from your partner that they are really ready for you to do so. Slowly work your way to your partner’s most juicy bits. Then, if you and your partner are ready to take things in a more erotic direction, lovingly massage your partner’s genitals. Remember to start lightly and slowly, teasing, and building the intensity. Check in with your partner frequently, to be sure that you are getting the right spots, and using the right amount of pressure.
How you conclude this massage is up to the two of you. You may choose to continue the massage with your touch, or perhaps orally pleasure your partner to an explosive completion. However, you may want to stop the massage at the point of blissful arousal, and save some of the energy and fireworks to shift into love making mode. One thing I’d like to suggest, if you opt to take the sensual massage to completion, than consider continuing to massage for your partner beyond the big crescendo. Go back up to your partner’s neck, face, and head. Gently massage these areas as your partner relaxes blissfully. Finally, give your partner a tender kiss on the forehead when the massage is done. Whatever you do, be sure to communicate, smile, laugh together and have fun.