Perhaps there is someone
new in your life. You want to let them know you are falling in love with them
but not sure how. Maybe you have been seeing someone for a little while now.
You realize that you are ready to deepen the bond or take things to a new level
but you don’t want to screw it up. Perhaps there is someone special who has
been in your life for a very long time. You are seeking fresh new ways to
demonstrate your love and affection, but are drawing a blank. When it comes to communicating
love, a generic one size fits all approach simply will not do. People respond best
to a personal touch. If you want someone’s heart to melt, you need to show them that you listen
to what they say, see who they are, notice what they like and pay attention to
what matters most to them. Demonstrations of love are most affective when they
are custom tailored to the individual.
The same core principle that
applies to a new love, also hold true for a connection that has endured the
test of time. I read something the other day that reminded me of an important
point. We should never assume that our partner knows how we feel about them.
Sometimes people appear to forget that we need to keep love fresh and alive.
Perhaps they think that because they proclaimed their love once many years ago,
and made a lifelong commitment to their partner, that until they say otherwise,
that the on-going love is just implied. Some may believe they already are
showing their love every day because they work hard to earn a living to support
the family, provide a nice home, cook meals, keep the home running smoothly,
and come home at night. These wonderful behaviors do go a long way to foster a
sense of security and stability, but they may not be all we need to feel loved
on a more personal level. It is part of our human nature to crave love and intimacy
with our beloved. We need to experience not
only a physical connection but an emotional connection that is alive and ongoing.
Even the toughest, most independent, and
self sufficient among us needs to feel loved every day.
Sometimes we may think
that it is all about the big grand gestures, and hold back from demonstrating
our love until we can offer something spectacular. Perhaps we are saving up our money for an
expensive gift, waiting for the perfect moment or a special occasion to show
our love. But I feel that this approach is an all too common mistake that overlooks
the importance of the little day to day things. The point is to communicate
love, not to showing off how grand we are.
There are simple little
ways that we can show that we love our partners every single day. The good news
is that most of them cost nothing and are not difficult. We can show our love with
a passionate kiss on the way out the door, with a thoughtful gesture that brightens
our partner’s day, with a kind word, a love note hidden in the lunch box, brief
case or a short little romantic text during the day. We can make plans to do
something together (preferably something that we know our partner would enjoy).
Our partner will feel loved; especially when we do little things that show we
are paying attention to our partner, and doing the things that what makes them
light up.
The most important
secret here is to figure out what our partner needs to feel loved. A common mistake we make is simply to assume that
our partner is just like us. We are unique
individuals. We are not all wired in the
exact same way. There are many wonderful
ways to express love and experience love.
How we naturally express love, and what makes us feel loved varies from
person to person depending upon our personality.
Relationships are living
breathing things, a little like plants in a way. In order for a love
relationship to germinate, grow, bloom and continue to flourish, we need to
continue to care for it. Generally there is a magic combination of the right
amount of sun, water and nutrients as well as the right type of soil to
consider. In order to do a good job tending our love relationship, it is
crucial to get to know more than a thing or two about this unique individual
that is the object of our affection. Even
if you have never been much of a gardener, you probably are aware that
different plants have different specific ways they need to be cared for to
thrive. You can’t care for an African violet the same way you would treat a sun
flower, and get the best possible results. So why should we assume that expressing
love for a unique human being would be any simpler than taking care of a plant?
Perhaps you really want
to show your love, but don't know where to begin. You may have genuinely tried
to show your love in the past, but have gotten shot down. It is discouraging
when our efforts to show love get rejected, go unnoticed or under appreciated.
It can be hard, even for the most romantic at heart, to continue the pursuit
when their arrows of love seem to be missing the target. Sometimes we give up
too quickly because we assume it is too hard to figure out how to give our
partners what they need from us. Don't
lose heart. There may be a better way.
Perhaps it is time for
an upgrade from gold to platinum. No, I am not talking about buying your
partner expensive jewelry. I am talking about expanding our awareness of showing
true love, not only following the principles of the “Golden rule” but adding
the wisdom of the “Platinum rule” as well. Most people have heard of the golden rule
which advises us to treat others the way we would like others to treat us. I
believe this is a good rule because it reminds us to step out of our potentially
self-centered perspective. To follow the
Golden Rule, we must first notice that other people want to be treated well,
just as we want to be treated well, and then take action by doing something loving.
The Platinum Rule takes this concept one
stop further and advices us to treat others the way they like to be treated.
This "rule" was initiated by Dr. Tony Alessandra, and is associated
with the Jung Personality Traits. The basic theory is that there are four
different personalities. If you can find out which one your partner is, then
you can have a long lasting relationship with them.
Another concept that I think
goes hand and hand with the Platinum Rule is to recognize our partner’s primary
love language. According to Gary Chapman who wrote the book about this concept,
there are 5 Love Languages; words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving
gifts, quality time and physical touch. All five are valid ways of expressing
and experiencing love, and we may enjoy all of them at times, but we all seem
to have a favorite or primary way that makes us feel especially loved. I think it is important to understanding both
our own love language as well as our partner’s love language to effectively communicate
and express love.
The bottom line, pay attention! Get to know your partner, how they experience love, and what makes them light up. The most effective expressions of love are ones that show you listen to what they say, see who they are, notice what they like and pay attention to what matters most to them. Once you are aware of how your partner likes to be treated, then you can communicate true love.
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